What I do know about life is that, certain patterns and situations will repeat themselves until you deal with them properly. The work is never done…
I just wrapped the first season of my TV show. I fulfilled a lifelong dream and I pretty much did it on my own. I’m sitting with that. During the last three days of filming, there was this energy on set that I’m still trying to process. It wasn’t bad. As a matter of fact, it was positive, uplifting and affirming. All of the guests were essentially giving me the same message during or after their interviews at some point. I kept looking over at my camera guy giving him the, “Did you hear that?” look. We both knew what was happening. My life was changing literally in front of everyone and there was nothing I could do about it. Not that I wanted to do anything about it, I want to wholeheartedly embrace it. But there is a hell of a juggle trying to physically leave your old life to walk into your new one, while trying not to bring shit with you that doesn’t belong. It’s a real-life, real-time game of hokey pokey.
Here’s the deal. If we’re going to keep it real, the truth of the matter is, I’m scared as fuck. A complete and total pussy. We don’t need to delve into why I’m scared, the fact is I know why. I don’t need to repeat it. This is where the problem lies…
I’ve got one foot in my old life and one foot in the new one. Here is where it gets tricky. The new life is overpowering the old one at a pace I thought I could control. But that’s the thing too. I’m such a control freak, if I can’t control the outcome some type of way, I don’t want to be involved. Here is where I’ll delve into why I like control. It’s directly related to why I’m scared. (See what I did there) It’s comfortable for me to tell you why I’m a control freak. Not why I’m scared…word play. Every single time I’ve trusted or relinquished control (power) to someone, particularly the adults in my life, I was failed. As an adult, I refuse to take any emotional risks with unknown variables that will result in me feeling rejected or inadequate. I’ve dealt with that half of my life, why would I continue to engage in situations like this, when I know what they look like? But what if those situations start looking different? And people’s words actually match their actions? I’ll be the first to tell you it’s quite the adjustment when people start showing up for you and hyping you up in ways you’ve always wanted. But beyond that, I’m not giving my power to people. I’m yielding to life. Stepping out of fear and trusting everything will go my way. It’s hard to do when your experience has been the opposite.
I let go a lot of things on camera during those last three days of filming. Things that not only have I never discussed before, but things I had no idea were still holding me back. It all had to do with family. They have held me back longer than I’d like to admit. Their ideas, their values, what they taught me about myself. It shaped my world, my perspective and somehow, I was hidden in the process. When I looked into the camera and bared my soul about everything I had been holding in, I saw heads nodding around the studio. Not only was I setting myself free, I was setting other people free too. I was finally giving myself permission to live. I was telling other people it was okay to live.
What does this mean? What does letting go of your old life look like? It sounds fun until you actually have to venture off into this unknown world where you are starting over, not because of something bad. But because you are finally in a place where you can actually make whatever you want to happen, happen. It’s a power that most don’t know what to do with it. Which is why I’m being very careful, purposeful and clear about how I want my new life to look.
Oddly enough, everything on my vision board has been coming to fruition. Including something that I wasn’t even expecting. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling something inexplicably genuine.
I’m standing in the shadows of this new chapter in my life. It requires me to let go of fear. Fear that has crippled me and held me hostage. Everything I’ve ever wanted is on the other side of this…